In 1975 singer Paul Simon had a sole number 1 hit as a solo artist called “50 Ways to Leave your Lover.” More than any type of music, people have always loved and adored music that had lyrics about breaking up, (being in love probably takes a close second).
There is something in sadness which attracts most humans. It is the one emotion associated with pain that people usually give the most of. It is a misunderstood emotion, and in many ways an unavoidable one. It’s as if in order to reach the highest level of human understanding, one must experience the pain of sadness from both ends of the spectrum, (giving and receiving).
Breaking up results in one of the highest levels of pain. Breaking up is something that happens in every relationship, but to what degree do you break up differs from couple to couple. Some people break up and remain together, in the same house. Some people break up and it’s absolutely final. And then there are those who break up and agree on short breaks apart in hopes that the absence will fortify the threads of the existing relationship that is now on hold.
You’re in a relationship now, it’s full blown and you’re absolutely sure that you’re in love and that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. He or she is everything you wanted in a mate, and then BOOM! Something happens, something goes wrong, you discover that the other person has hurt you, one or more of your love rules have been violated and now you must take action. In order to feel less of the less that you are feeling your mind reels through hundreds of scenarios on how to deal with this matter, usually we look for that one thing that will hurt the other person more than we are hurt, ah, yes, “I’m Breaking up With You!”
You’re alone now, and the emptiness is worse than what happened to cause the break up, and so you live contemplating the moments. You weigh out the differences, the pro’s and con’s. Your imagination rolls in out with the tide of your feelings and with each moment of thought you hurt more, yet you discover that the pain now coincides with the love you have for this person. Something inside you becomes intelligent, there’s a rational being inside that wants to be loved, it does not want to hurt and so you make contact, no matter how small. There are baby steps, but day by day the questioning, reasoning and unbeatable logic turns into a smile, and it into an agreement that allows forgiveness and then its over and you start again.
It’s the immutable essence of love. Love is a choice, not an emotion which is why in a lifetime many people experience myriad relationships. One break up is usually followed by another. If there is a break or separation, that separation removes a block of time that can never be retrieved. That void caused by breaking up changes the course of the relationship, it changes the physiology of two people. The intersection of two people now bounce off into different directions and when they come back together again they are not the same people. The separation doesn’t strengthen the relationship, it takes away from it. The weeks or months needed to grow closer together, are now used to grow further apart. And with each subsequent break up this distance grows more and more until soon you return to where you were in the beginning; face to face with a person you were trying to know, only now you are trying to get as far away as you can fast.
It’s a cruel, sad reality this thing called love. But the thing about it is it comes and goes, you get over it and you try, try , try again until you find that right mix. You try intellect, logic, incorporating less elements of those you’ve lost in hopes to not repeat the process, but this is an amateurs game, you only get better at it with time. Love can be a wonderful magical experience, it can also make you feel like you want to die, and how many times have you felt this way and are still living? Love is not strengthened by the amount of “time outs,” or breaks within that relationship. You can’t analyze what you’ve done to cause the break, generally it’s extemporaneous, done without preparation. People will always be careless, will always see a more attractive person, will always revert back to who they are. So the key is to just accept this as a part of life and love. Become aware, and within that awareness you grow.
2 thoughts on “The True Death of a Relationship.”
Having read this I can identify with what Bruce has said the first time I went through a breakup was with my son’s Father I was devastated he was or so I thought my world ,it took a long time to get over the fact that this man could do this to me .The second time I did the leaving I was in an unhappy marriage after a great deal of thought and trying hard to make a go of it I left ,and then I did the thing you should never do go back ,and of course it didn’t work did he trust me in away yes but for me it didn’t work so I left again , remarried had a wonderful 24 years ,he sadly passed away .I know that men have to be very unhappy to leave a relationship ,women on the other hand are ruled usually by their heart and if they are not getting the love at home they will look elsewhere ,I think either way for a man or a woman ,it’s hard when a relationship breaks down we all need love in our lives and to be cherished .
Thank you so much for your comment Annie. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about past events relating to relationships, but it shouldn’t be that way. We should all feel comfortable enough to look at our lives and relationships and share what we can that may be helpful to someone else. Again thank you so much that was very insightful.